"Adoption is a roller coaster of emotions." We heard this from many of our friends and adoption experts as we've walked this journey the past 5 years. We were (somewhat) ready for the ups and downs. What I wasn't ready for is the strength of the emotions I'm experiencing. This journey has brought about some of the most intense and rawest emotions I've ever experienced. A few months ago, after a very purposeful conversation, Rob and I decided to open our hearts to this process completely, to dive in with both feet because that's what we believed God was calling us to. For two expert emotional masons who have become masters at building walls around our hearts, this was difficult at first. However, with each picture and interaction with the kids, it becomes easier. All four of our kids have our entire hearts. With this openness, however, has come the ability to fully feel every twist and turn of this roller coaster. There is joy, fear, despair, excitement, protectiveness, worry, distrust, and anticipation, among other "big feels." We have already felt the highest highs and the lowest lows and we know that there are more to come. It is so hard and there are days when my selfishness prompts me to pack up my heart and retreat to my safe little comfort zone. However, the rewards that we have found at the top of each mountain have made the darkness and uncertainty of each valley totally worth it. And as I'm learning...even if I don't consider it "worth it" in my earthly mind, God always proves me wrong in the end.
Here's the other thing about this process: it is exposing my humanity unlike anything else I have ever faced. I have seen some of the ugliest things come out of my heart in the past few months. I'm embarrassed to say that I STILL struggle to trust God's will and timing, even after he has unnecessarily proven himself to me approximately a million times. I'm impatient and can be unkind to those I love the most when I get "stressed." I'm selfish and can even become a bit ragey when I feel like other human beings are not moving at my pace. Whoa. I need so.much.grace and forgiveness in this season. I am so grateful that God's mercies are new every morning because I am using up just about every last one by the time my head hits the pillow each night. I have some major work to do this year. I am working to view this as an opportunity to put my heart under a microscope and deal with some of the disease that is residing there.
Would you pray for us that we will purpose to live based on God's truth and not our ever-changing feelings throughout this process? Would you also pray that I am able to use this year on purpose to deal with some of the ugly parasites that have taken up residence in my heart?
We are thankful for the support and love of our friends and family throughout this journey. It helps us face each twist and turn.
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