Never Walk Alone

The further I progress in my pregnancy, the more I am visited by my great prenatal friend, insomnia.  I have found myself waking up many times each night over the last few weeks.  My first thought is immediately about our children in the DR.  I have been dreaming about them almost every night since I first saw their pictures months ago.  Recently, I’ve wondered if they ever wake up in the middle of the night.  I wonder if they are laying awake at that very moment, possibly scared or wondering about their futures.  I wonder if they are feeling unloved or inadequate or unwanted.  While I am grateful to know that they are receiving excellent care from very loving individuals, my logical self knows that the ratios do not make it possible for them to have all of the comforting and loving interactions and personal attention that they will have when they arrive home.  When I was talking to my mom about this a few weeks ago, she reminded me that there is One much greater than me who has loved them and carried them from their very first breath.  He has set their path from the beginning and knows each hair on their heads.  Mom told me, “they’ve never been without a Father.”  I have found this to be so comforting as I wait for this year to pass before we can all be home together.  While I cannot directly meet their physical or emotional needs in these moments, God has never left their sides and has brought wonderfully dedicated individuals along to care for them in the meantime.  We sang this song on our first Sunday in Lafayette and while we were singing, tears streamed down my face.  This song so perfectly captures our journey and the truth that we want to be so evident to others as we take each step: “Carried by Your constant grace.  Held within Your perfect peace.  Never once did we ever walk alone.  Never once did you leave us on our own.  You are faithful.  Every step, we are breathing in Your grace.  Evermore, we will be breathing out Your praise. You are faithful.”  

A Roller Coaster and a Heart Exam

"Adoption is a roller coaster of emotions."  We heard this from many of our friends and adoption experts as we've walked this journey the past 5 years.  We were (somewhat) ready for the ups and downs.  What I wasn't ready for is the strength of the emotions I'm experiencing.  This journey has brought about some of the most intense and rawest emotions I've ever experienced.  A few months ago, after a very purposeful conversation, Rob and I decided to open our hearts to this process completely, to dive in with both feet because that's what we believed God was calling us to.  For two expert emotional masons who have become masters at building walls around our hearts, this was difficult at first.  However, with each picture and interaction with the kids, it becomes easier.  All four of our kids have our entire hearts.  With this openness, however, has come the ability to fully feel every twist and turn of this roller coaster.  There is joy, fear, despair, excitement, protectiveness, worry, distrust, and anticipation, among other "big feels."  We have already felt the highest highs and the lowest lows and we know that there are more to come.  It is so hard and there are days when my selfishness prompts me to pack up my heart and retreat to my safe little comfort zone.  However, the rewards that we have found at the top of each mountain have made the darkness and uncertainty of each valley totally worth it.  And as I'm learning...even if I don't consider it "worth it" in my earthly mind, God always proves me wrong in the end. 

Here's the other thing about this process: it is exposing my humanity unlike anything else I have ever faced.  I have seen some of the ugliest things come out of my heart in the past few months.  I'm embarrassed to say that I STILL struggle to trust God's will and timing, even after he has unnecessarily proven himself to me approximately a million times.  I'm impatient and can be unkind to those I love the most when I get "stressed."  I'm selfish and can even become a bit ragey when I feel like other human beings are not moving at my pace.  Whoa.  I need so.much.grace and forgiveness in this season.  I am so grateful that God's mercies are new every morning because I am using up just about every last one by the time my head hits the pillow each night.  I have some major work to do this year.  I am working to view this as an opportunity to put my heart under a microscope and deal with some of the disease that is residing there.  

Would you pray for us that we will purpose to live based on God's truth and not our ever-changing feelings throughout this process?  Would you also pray that I am able to use this year on purpose to deal with some of the ugly parasites that have taken up residence in my heart?  

We are thankful for the support and love of our friends and family throughout this journey.  It helps us face each twist and turn.  

Some Perspective

I'll be honest, Our Year on Purpose Day 7 started off with lots of tears.  We've spent weeks at the mercy of other people's timelines.  These other people do not seem to be as motivated by the adorable cuteness of my two waiting children, nor my pleas for them to please hurry up (or at least answer one stinkin' email).  This frustration came to a peak for me this morning and was quickly followed by the news that because of an error in calculation (ie adopting two children instead of one), our adoption agency had given us an incorrect quote initially and the fees for their services would be twice what we were told.  My mind started spinning out of control, swirled with my raging pregnancy hormones, and brought about an emotional storm.

So I went for a walk.  And listened to our theme song for this year over and over.  I stopped and chatted with some neighbors and waved to others and I just allowed myself to soak it all in.  One cannot take a stroll through my neighborhood without realizing their own privilege.  I began to think about how blessed I really am.  Some of my neighbors are right now as we speak deciding whether to use their Friday paycheck on a bill or a trip to the grocery store.  My neighbor kids have never heard the words "Science Museum" let alone been able to afford to spend an afternoon there.  We.are.so.blessed.  Will the next few years be tight financially as we pursue and continue to pay for this adoption?  Yep.  Do I sometimes question my decision to take a huge pay cut and move from working in the cozy suburbs to work in a school in my own neighborhood?  Of course.  Am I terrified, if I'm really honest, about the financial reality of all of this?  Yes.  Yes, I am.  HOWEVER, God brought to mind today all the times that he has provided just the right bridge to cross over deep water in my life.  I can't think of one time in my life when He didn't ultimately provide for my needs.  He has redeemed literally every struggle I've ever encountered and pursued me even when I was running the other direction with my fingers in my ears.  Even when I can't see it, hear it, or imagine it, my God is working to complete the work He has started in me.  This isn't going to be easy, but it's going to be good.
 

Our Battle Cry

One of the first activities I participated in while in the Dominican Republic was to attend church. The same church the children from the orphanage go. This is the church that is pastored by the husband of the wonderful woman who runs the orphanage. I knew this would be my very first opportunity to meet our kids. 

My palms were sweaty (and not from the extreme humidity), my heart was beating, and I was pacing the building. When the buses arrived I was one of the first to be waiting outside. Immediately I turned to scanning the faces peeking through the windows, trying to see our son. 

And there he was... big old smile on his face. He bounced off the bus with a great amount of energy and embraced the director of the orphanage with loving arms. 

I was snapping pictures, smiling, and holding back tears. 

The children filed inside, and I followed. Adult bible study was in progress and that meant I had some time to go down and meet both of our kiddos for the very first time. With the help of a young pastor who works at the orphanage, we found my boy. He came out and the first thing he did was give me a big hug. 

We spent the next 10 minutes or so talking, learning about each other, and asking each other lots of questions. He agreed to go back to the classroom only if I promised to play with him when we got to the barbecue at the home of the pastor later that day. Of course, I agreed!

Then it was on to finding our little girl. After checking three rooms, we finally found her. She came out as timid as could be, but willing to let me pick her up. My little muñeca (a nickname = doll), gave me a few sweet hugs and then was ready to go back to class. 

I stepped into the bathroom, took a few deep breaths, and wiped away the tears of joy that were running down my face. After I pulled myself together, I headed back upstairs in time for the worship service to begin. 

It was during that worship service, sung in Spanish, that God reminded me he was with me on that trip and with us on our adoption journey. The band began to play my favorite hymn, "It is well". 

In the moments I could sing, I sang. In the moments my emotions took control, I cried. And in the moments of complete peace, I was quiet. 

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Beth and I have agreed to commit to a song, our battle cry if you will, for the duration of our adoption process (and beyond). It just so happens that the song is "It is well". We believe in the words that are in this song. And we believe in the heavenly father who is the inspiration for the words. Below is the video of one of our favorite bands (Finding Favor) singing their version of the song. 

Today, as I listened to it over and over again, one line jumped out at me. I will leave with you with the lines and the video. 

"When trials may come

I'm holding to the promise

That you've already won!" 

 

P.S. A fun little note is that Beth and I have agreed to get the words "It is well, with my soul" as tattoos. As that happens, we will be sure to post pictures! 

Please continue to pray for us, and feel free to join us in our battle cry!